Thoughts on Adoption

I have had this entry wobbling around in my head for a while now, but haven’t made the time to put it on "paper".  There are a couple of things I’ve been thinking about that I have heard recently in regard to adoption.  The first, I strongly disagree with.  The second just seems kind of funny to me.   And the third is just interesting…and sad in a way.

I have heard several people say recently that it would be better if children could stay with their "families" meaning birthfamilies.  Sometimes this comment has come from adoptive families, sometimes it comes from others.  As an adoptive Mom 4 times, so far, and one that God has not blessed with bio children, but has very clearly been smack dab in the middle of every adoption, I think I can "safely" speak to this comment. 

I, personally don’t think it’s better for a child to be raised in a single parent home.  Especially one born out of wedlock.  God designed families to be a father, a mother and the children.   Yes, there are situations where families will be a single parent… our sweet friend Heather Davis is one of them that unfortunately is a single parent now.  And my heart aches for her and the children Eric left behind.  But having a parent that has died is very different from having a parent that a) left the scene after conception, or,  b) was never married to the mother and may or may not show up occassionally.  Daddy’s are important!  Eric left a Godly legacy.  Not a "I didn’t want to be a father, just wanted some fun legacy"  Eric’s younger children will know his legacy and his life by what others tell them about him.   His name will be sweet on Heather’s tongue.  not, "that no good, dirty…knocked me up and left"  Look around… many children being raised with absent daddy’s.  Do you really believe society is better today than it was 2 generations ago when families stayed together?    (BTW, that pretty much goes for children that are products of divorce too) If a daddy wants to be in the picture after divorce, it is  difficult to be the same kind of daddy that he could be if living in the same house 24/7 with the children.  Momma’s bad mouth and children get the idea that they don’t need their Daddies.

The second thought is kind of funny, I think.  I was listening to Focus on the Family one morning a few weeks ago and Dr. Dobson was explaining that him and Shirley (is that proper English??) decided not to tell people that Ryan was adopted.  A few months ago, they had a program with Ryan and he actually told "the world" that he had been adopted.  My thought–

"that wouldn’t work in our family" 

Third, is kind of sad.  People are "adoption illiterate" I was talking with a lady recently, that was asking questions about the children’s adoption, as is not uncommon, because when you adopt you are an open, moving target for questions about adoption.  Why you don’t have "your own" children, where are their "real parents"  and even advice on fertility… amazing!  This lady was not even nearly that rude, just curious.  This is a lady that has been an aquaintance for several years, so it wasn’t the usual stranger asking.  Anyway, she asked if we got to name the children.  I wanted to say "DUH, YES! Did you get to name yours!" but I was polite.  And explained the whole, birth certificate thing with SC place of birth "Liberia" and our residence "USA".  And the other’s too, as she politely asked about each one.  Then finally, "Oh, Princess is adopted too" She just proved my theory— white people have no idea about bi-racial children.  They just think their curly hair comes from the heavens since Shane nor I either one have it. 

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4 thoughts on “Thoughts on Adoption

  1. Thank you for this blog. My husband and I are in the going to adoptions classes through our state (IN). We have two natural born children and I'm unable to concieve. I found it true at end of the story about people asking you why not try medical reproduction. We will love any child(ren) that the Lord blesses our home with. I can't wait!! As for sitting through state funded adoption/foster class; it is a strong avocate of sending children back to the natural parent. I agree with you and it is hard to sit through the classes. God bless you and your family. Your post is an inspiration.

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  2. Since my kids don't look like me and my husband, we usually get asked, "Where did your kids come from?" Then people are shocked that our kids were born locally – international adoption is becoming common enough, but trans-racial adoption here in the US still seems weird to many people.

    As for naming our children, we stuck with the first name that our son's birthmom gave him, but she seemed to like a certain consonant combination in names to the point that we felt we needed to change our daughter's name so that it wouldn't be practically the same as her brother's! (Although we still kept her birth name as a middle name.) We felt that despite all her other choices, she chose to give them life, and we wanted to honor her for that.

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  3. could your post on single mom's get any ruder?! what about the mothers that CHOOSE to be single? I am a child of a single parent home and I really honestly can say I had a better relationship with my mom then I could ever have had with 2 parents. We are like sisters and are very close. I just lost a lot of respect for you and what you say

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  4. These are some very good thoughts. I agree with you on everything. I have had the same thoughts as you with the misconception that theoretically it would always be better for the children to stay with the birth family. Just because they are living does not mean they or the society they are from would be the best for raising kids. For example, Liberia is a very dark society with many cultural practices that are harmful. Just because mom and dad are alive doesn't mean it would be best for the child to stay in the country.

    The second comment is funny. Is it really that embarrassing to let people know you adopted, or that you were adopted? I know people adopt for different reasons, but as a Christian I would want everyone to know why I had adopted.

    The last point is good, and I do agree that there is a problem with people wanting independence, freedom, and lots of fun, but are not thinking about what the consequences of their actions will be. You were a bit crass, though. Though I am very much in agreement, I was surprised at how blunt you were.

    -Melodie

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