Can’t Sleep– Response

I would have never thought I’d have gotten flamed twice for my post about single parents. (the first I deleted and will most likely delete the second as well).   But I have… and here I am at midnight after having 3 sick children this week, a sick husband and preparing for a trip we are taking later this week (and not sure if I’m coming down with the same flu bug that had nearly everyone in my household knocked flat on their back) unable to sleep for tossing around this anonymous person’s comment…

Dear Anonymous… I guess you we’re one of the few blessed ones that came out fine being raised by a single parent.. statistics are against that happening.  In fact I just finished reading through a book on attachment that discussed how statistics show that children born to unwed mothers have higher rates of attachment disorders, and not just minor ones either…

I am the product of a single parent home.  (I was conceived out of wedlock, and my parents divorced when I was 12–each has since remarried and divorced twice since then and are single now) Thankfully my father stayed in the picture, but it was rough going for a while.  I was one of those girls that looked for love in all the wrong places… before God called me.  Thankfully, he saved me from the pit I was in; however, I have to live with the consequences of my sin every day of my married life. 

My mom "dislikes" my dad enough that it takes everything within her to even drive in his driveway if we are visiting.  After 30 years she is still bitter enough to remember things that happened that long ago and to hold it against him.  When Shane and I were married nearly 14 years ago, I was more worried about my Mom being in the same room with my Dad than I was about getting married.

Statistics show that children raised in homes with single mothers are more likely to be sexually abused by their Mother’s boyfriends.  And the state foster care systems are filled with those statistics…

When I was working in the mental health field, one of the boys I worked with was 9 years old.  By that time had already had about 10 men he had called "daddy" and assorted "brothers" too.  No, Mom never married these men, just shacked up with them.  He was one angry little kid and it didn’t get any better as time went by.  I wouldn’t be surprised to find that he’s a part of one of those statistics I mentioned above.

I have seen my oldest daughter’s birthmother marry at least 3 times (honestly I’ve lost track) since placing her with us 10 years ago, and I would not say that her older children from her first marriage are very balanced.  I can say with fair certainty that Princess would not have faired well in that environment.  I am thankful that BM realized the need for her daughter to have a 2 parent family, as I am thankful that my oldest son’s birthmother realized the same.

Before we found out about sweet cheeks, we thought we were going to adopt a little baby boy "J" but his birthfamily backed out.  We last knew of 3 other babies being born to one of "Grandma’s"  10 children that she was caring for while they all went to high school.  They were all living in the same house together in a neighborhood where I lock the doors when I travel through. 

We have just begun counseling with our youngest son, because after 4 years of being home with us, he is still struggling with trusting us and attaching to us because bio mom was a crack addict and he was in the foster care system the first 3 years of his life.  He is one angry child and has been from nearly the day he was born.  

Maybe I was a bit crass, but in this day and age, it doesn’t take much to know that free "love" and sex are abundant among our youth (unfortunately, inside and outside of the church).  My husband witnessed high school students having "sexual relations" in the hallways and even in the classrooms at a local high school a few years ago where he was working.  It is recommended that girls my dd’s age be given a vaccine for the prevention of HPV.  Just tonight as Shane was waiting for us to arrive at IHOP for their pancake day, he had to endure listening to several teen girls speaking in graphic terms about their sex education class, even though he was sitting several tables away from them.   

I cannot think of one instance in Scripture where God talks about a single mother being a good thing… he commands us to take care of the orphans and the widows.  In fact I can’t think of Scripture referencing one instance of single parenthood.  Even Jesus had Joesph as an earthy father… (if anybody can, please KINDLY show me).

Yes, people will sin.  Everyday of our lives we sin; I’m talking about a lifestyle choice, not a one time occurance in a weak moment. 

I know a single woman that is choosing to adopt a child from Ethiopia. Honestly, that would not be my first choice, but this child will get a chance at a life he would never have had otherwise.  She is putting the verse I mentioned earlier to action, and God bless her for it!

Maybe this won’t "earn" your respect back, or maybe it won’t change the other commenter’s thought that I have a "holier than thou" attitude, but maybe, just maybe you’ll understand a little more where I’m coming from with my thoughts, that I’m not just saying them to stir a pot, but there is actually a reason for my thoughts. 

I will also add that I don’t mind people disagreeing with me, I enjoy a good  debate done in Christian love, but imo, leaving anonymous comments that flame and attack is not Biblical, or loving.  If you feel that I have done something un-Christ-like, comment lovingly.  I have no problem listening, and taking these things to my husband to see if I have overstepped a boundary.  And if I have overstepped, I have no problem in repenting of my sin… Lord knows it happens every day…

now maybe I can sleep

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3 thoughts on “Can’t Sleep– Response

  1. I just happened upon your blog and I wanted to add a comment about being raised in a single home. Quite frankly – it stinks!
    My parents divorced when I was 2 and here is a short version of my life:
    many stepfathers, carrying a little suitcase to school every other week so my father could come get me on "his weekend" of visitation, no father to cuddle up with at night, mom doing her own thing – leaving my brother and me at home alone, always having a working mom, always grieving for the dad I was missing, and the number one problem that still plagues me today – not having a proper perspective on what a 2 parent family should function like and not knowing how dads relate to their kids on a daily basis.
    I'm always asking my husband "Is this how dads and kids are supposed to behave together?"
    I'm not sure what comments were made to you, under what circumstances, but I do know this:
    God has a plan for the family – 2 parents – 1 mom, 1 dad. Anything else will never be as good or reap the rewards like God intended.
    There are circumstances (death) where God will be that 2nd parent to the orphaned child, but that is God's doing.
    Thanks for standing up.

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  2. My father was in the military and while I had a two-parent home some of the time, there is a separation that happens. God can heal and although I’m almost 51 years old, I still have “daddy” issues that often prevents me from trusting my Heavenly Father. My dad died very young and while he did his best, I still struggle. All of that is from a completely different topic that is not to be addressed here. All I know is that my parenting skills are greatly lacking and I’ve passed that on to my own children, who also struggle in their parenting skills. I pray that God will “fix” what I’ve messed up & that the Lord will bring healing from within. I wish we all knew what good parenting skills looked like and would strive to be like that. I’ve messed up so much. Forgive me Lord please & heal my children and their children. Thanks for your honestly. I’m glad I ended up here on your blog somehow today.

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    • Wow! This is an old post. My daughter is now 19. I still stand by the post,and am glad you ended up her “somehow” today too 🙂 We ALL have struggles in our parenting skills, we may do differently than our parents, but we’re not perfect, so, if it’s not the same struggle, it’s gonna be a different one. But God redeems sweet Mom of 3. God bless you! Christy

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