I’m Being Real Today

I know that’s Todd Wilson’s line, but today I’m stealing it.  I am coming here today transparent.  Very transparent.  There is no where else on this earth to go… yes, I have gone to the Almighty.  I have gone to Shane.   Our church home is like many that you attend.   Hard to be transparent when everyone else’s life seems perfect…

Some of you I have "known" for a long time.  I feel like I know some of you better than some of my friend IRL.  Some of you I’m just getting to know, but I’m putting down my pride today… 

I need your prayers… I have been struggling through all of this with Little Bit for a long time.  It has bleed to other areas of my life.  My relationship with Bubba especially and with Princess too.  And my relationship with Shane.  Oftentimes there is nothing else we talk about but how terrible the day has gone.  Or I’m calling him several times a day with situations that I can’t handle.  I told him yesterday that I want to be his helper again, not the other way around.  I want our life back…  He is a wonderful husband but I wonder how much he can take… I know many times I want to get in the car and drive a good long way away because of our homelife. 

 Some of you may not understand, and that’s okay. LB came with some VERY severe behavior issues and attachment issues.  Severe enough that I could not leave him alone for more than a few seconds at a time when he came home.  I won’t go into details, but it has been enough to change the entire course of our family life.  Experts say it’s from fear… but ANGER, and RAGE is how it exhibits itself. 

Yes, we all have days where things do not go well.  But do you have weeks, or months or years??????  Not to say that there isn’t a good day here and there.  Sometimes there are good weeks and months, but overall… it has been a very hard 4 years. 

I have become angry and bitter and can’t seem to let the Holy Spirit work it out.  I go to retreats, get a way a day, listen to CD’s (messages and music) and for a time it seems to help… then the bitterness builds again. 

I KNOW the truth in my head, but my heart has a hard time accepting it. 

One book I am reading by Nancy Thomas states that "Parents then feel increasingly hopeless" YES!!!!  Hopeless that increases.   Even when things are getting better… hopeless, guilty, frustrated, lonely, and tired.  Loss of dreams, for him, for the family.  Guilty because the other 3 children have to live with the choices we’ve made, lonely because few understand, frustrated because try as we might we can’t seem to "fix"him. 

I cry, and cry and cry… if I had a penny for every tear I’ve cried over this we’d be out of debt and live in a 20 room mansion. 

I used to be a happy, joyful person most of the time, now I’m a tired, frustrated, sad person most of the time. 

I want our life back…

 

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8 thoughts on “I’m Being Real Today

  1. Bravo to you! Alleluia!

    Praying for you as you take off the masks of life. Earlier this week I blogged on "What is Normal?" and discussed the need to be real. What a refreshing post you wrote.

    From another "real" blogger and mom,

    Rachel

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  2. I really feel for you. It's hard to be facing the consequences of choices made by his birth family. And it's hard to understand how God allows these struggles to continue for so long. One thing I've seen with my kids is that the behaviors they exhibit (which I'll admit are not as severe as LB's) give me opportunity to show them His unconditional love.

    Lord, continue to give Christine persistence in this difficult situation with her son. We know that You have orchestrated her family for Your good purposes. I pray You will fill Christine and Shane with Your love so they can continue to show that love to all of their children. And I pray for LB to recognize Your love through his parents' example so that he will be open to Your Spirit changing his heart.

    Karen

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  3. Oh Christine! (((hugs))) You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I understand how it is to parent difficult children. Ask me, I know! I understand how hard it is to be transparent, too. If I could be there for you IRL I would be!

    Blessings ~ Diane

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  4. For you and for a real work in the heart and soul of LB. I don't know what all you have to deal with, but I do believe that God can redeem even the most broken of people.

    Blessings,
    Karen

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  5. A friend of mine from church is in a similar situation with her eldest adopted child. He came to them with severe rage and anger mostly directed to the mom. He is now 13 and things have not changed at all really. They call them RAD children (rage attachment disorder I believe is the term) and it stems from trauma from either birthparents or foster situations. It honestly doesn't make any sense when he is in a loving family who wants nothing but the best for him. Anyway, I know these are just words, but I wanted you to know that there are others out there feeling just as you do in their own families. I'm glad you have broken free to be real today and I pray that you will feel God's peace with you because of that. Big hugs!!

    Janet

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  6. I can't read music, but I'm trying to teach myself a new hymn every once in a while on my piano. It's a labor or love, taking about an hour a day for a week or more to learn just one song. And then who has time to keep at it, ya know?

    Anyway, the new song I've been working on reminded me of you. Here are the lyrics. I hope they bless you:

    "O soul, are you weary and troubled?
    No light in the darkness you see?
    There's light for a look at the Savior,
    And life more abundant and free!

    "Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
    Look full in his wonderful face,
    And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
    In the light of his glory and grace."

    Of course, you know the hymn well, I'm sure. When everything seems more than you can bear, I hope these lyrics echo through the pain for you and bring you comfort.

    Lifting you up,
    Christi

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  7. I am praying for you…

    I don't know what to say except that .. I LOVE YOU!

    We're still struggling, but I cannot complain. God's really good! I hope to feel your hugs again. How short that was but the last time I have a hugged like that, it came from my beloved Mom whom I missed terribly. It is soooooo real!

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