I know that’s Todd Wilson’s line, but today I’m stealing it. I am coming here today transparent. Very transparent. There is no where else on this earth to go… yes, I have gone to the Almighty. I have gone to Shane. Our church home is like many that you attend. Hard to be transparent when everyone else’s life seems perfect…
Some of you I have "known" for a long time. I feel like I know some of you better than some of my friend IRL. Some of you I’m just getting to know, but I’m putting down my pride today…
I need your prayers… I have been struggling through all of this with Little Bit for a long time. It has bleed to other areas of my life. My relationship with Bubba especially and with Princess too. And my relationship with Shane. Oftentimes there is nothing else we talk about but how terrible the day has gone. Or I’m calling him several times a day with situations that I can’t handle. I told him yesterday that I want to be his helper again, not the other way around. I want our life back… He is a wonderful husband but I wonder how much he can take… I know many times I want to get in the car and drive a good long way away because of our homelife.
Some of you may not understand, and that’s okay. LB came with some VERY severe behavior issues and attachment issues. Severe enough that I could not leave him alone for more than a few seconds at a time when he came home. I won’t go into details, but it has been enough to change the entire course of our family life. Experts say it’s from fear… but ANGER, and RAGE is how it exhibits itself.
Yes, we all have days where things do not go well. But do you have weeks, or months or years?????? Not to say that there isn’t a good day here and there. Sometimes there are good weeks and months, but overall… it has been a very hard 4 years.
I have become angry and bitter and can’t seem to let the Holy Spirit work it out. I go to retreats, get a way a day, listen to CD’s (messages and music) and for a time it seems to help… then the bitterness builds again.
I KNOW the truth in my head, but my heart has a hard time accepting it.
One book I am reading by Nancy Thomas states that "Parents then feel increasingly hopeless" YES!!!! Hopeless that increases. Even when things are getting better… hopeless, guilty, frustrated, lonely, and tired. Loss of dreams, for him, for the family. Guilty because the other 3 children have to live with the choices we’ve made, lonely because few understand, frustrated because try as we might we can’t seem to "fix"him.
I cry, and cry and cry… if I had a penny for every tear I’ve cried over this we’d be out of debt and live in a 20 room mansion.
I used to be a happy, joyful person most of the time, now I’m a tired, frustrated, sad person most of the time.
I want our life back…