I had the opportunity to share with someone recently why I believe birthmothers that make an adoption plan are selfless, and thought I’d post it here too. This was a reply to an email that I was sent regarding this topic.
Birthmothers, especially young ones, are often told that their only choice is abortion, it is my strong belief that abortion is the absolutely most selfish thing a birthmother can do. At least one of our birthmother’s considered it…that is why I say that placing a baby for adoption is selfless…a woman carries a child for 9 months only to place it into the hands of another mother…Not pawning them off! But making a plan for them to have a mother and father, and a stable home, which most single mothers cannot offer. And it is that mindset that is hurtful to me. By saying that a bm “pawned off” their child and the other things you said in your prior email, I felt that you said to me that you believe that I, or any adoptive Mom, should not be a mother! Yes, I was hurt! Every one of my children have an “Awesome God” story and I know without a shadow of a doubt that each of them are meant to be mine. If my children thought they were “pawned off” we would be dealing with much more severe adoption issues than any of them have dealt with to date. Their birthmothers made very difficult decision in a very trying time in their lives. The decisions were loving and selfless.
Quite frankly, I have met very few adoptive families that don’t have “Awesome God” stories…
In a perfect world…no adoption would be necessary…no infertility, no out of wedlock children, we live in a fallen world, so God has made the plan of adoption. He even likens our spiritual life to adoption… we are adopted in to His family when we are born again. I mentioned Moses in my first email… I told you about where each of my children would be had they not been adopted. In fact, it was my oldest son’s birthmother that considered abortion. I could share other stories, stories of death, and suicide, stories of sexual abuse, stories of so many other circumstances that children have had to suffer through because a birthmother did not make an adoption plan and was unable to provide for their child.
I assure you that I don’t think I’m anything special, but my husband and I both get told often that we are “wonderful people” no we’re not, we’re just fallen people saved by God’s grace. Although one man on Amtrak one day did thank us for adopting children… he said he had been involved with the system for many years and was still involved with the system in a different way. My husband and I both gathered that he had been in foster care and had been incarcerated and was still dealing with the criminal system… I treasure his words dearly.
I do not know your specific story, but I would be hard pressed to say that I think any child in a single parent home is better off than in a home with two parents. This may offend you, if it does I truly am sorry, that is not my intention. The fact is that I even struggle with single women or single men adopting…God designed the family to have both a mother and a father, and God even gave Jesus an earthly father while He was here.
Of course we don’t live in a perfect world, we live in a fallen world. By your own experience, you’ve said it was hard to raise your son by yourself. But while I believe the best “choice” is adoption, I can, at the same time, say that I believe it was God’s will for you to keep your child. I don’t believe those two things are opposite… I believe it is the by power of a Mighty God that I can say these things. He used your sin to His Glory, just as He can use all of our sins to His glory.
This is not a black and white, or “either – or” issue, you were selfless in keeping your son, just as a birthmother that chooses to place a child for adoption is selfless. The point is that both you and a birthmother that places a child makes the ultimate decision to put the baby’s needs above their own-that is selflessness.
As an adoptive mom that has been in the situation of possibly not being able to bring home a child I believed God intended to be ours, I thought it was extremely insensitive of you to post the response you did when prayers were being requested while **** family were in the throws of not knowing what was going to happen with a child that they thought God intended to be theirs … I liken what you did to telling someone going through a miscarriage that they can always have another baby. Looking back, as an adoptive mother that has been where they were at (we took oldest son home under “legal risk” because of birthfather, and were told point blank that we would not be able to adopt our youngest son because we homeschooled when the state, NJ, knew that we homeschooled when they chose us). I took up their offense and responded to you because of that and should not have.
That said, I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to explain “the other side” a little and pray that you come away with a little more understanding… I know I have.