Amazed!

So once again, I’m writing a second post for the blog hop.  Here’s the first one.   I think it’s probably needless to say again, but I have been SO VERY ENCOURAGED by all the posts that I have read today and every week!

I have been wanting to write an #amazed story this week.  But nothing was really jumping out to me (that has happened recently).

Then I was reading over some of the comments you wonderful ladies have left these last few weeks on my blog (it’s always so encouraging!).   As I scrolled through one of the posts,  I caught sight of something I said about the years I was ill not being pretty and had gotten so ugly that I wasn’t sure I would ever find my way back.

It got me thinking…

I was so messed up that I only had about 7 days of the month that were ok.

Not good.

Not even ok.

These days were TERRIBLE!

And we got by.

And I was listening to my children this evening, as they’re eating a quick bite before my oldest daughter’s first Senior class meeting for high school graduation (Yikes! How’d that happen???)  And thinking about how incredible they are!

Yes, I’m braggin!  They are amazing.  The oldest 3 have made a public profession for Christ as the Lord of their life and are growing so much.  My  youngest darling loves Jesus so much, she stands on our deck and “preaches” and sings songs so often and prays sweet prayers of a 7 year old.

They are articulate and intelligent.  We joke and laugh together.  They get along (most of the time).

And they LOVE me!

I put them through hell on earth.

Yelling, no, not just yelling, RANTING and RAVING and ANGER, and BITTERNESS and using words so UGLY that I dare not repeat them (let’s just say we used to call it a sailor’s mouth when I was young).  I am not exaggerating when I say this happened about 21 days out of the month–this, mixed with cycles of beating myself up  and then extreme sorrow that I had hurt them so!   (Btw, I’m convinced too much progesterone will whack a woman out much worse than too much estrogen)

And they STILL love me!

My children STILL love me!

And my husband STILL loves me!

We have a fantastic family!

Mind you, NOT a perfect family,

but a fantastic family!*

We talk, laugh and love together!

And I am AMAZED at what God did those years that I was incapable.**

*For YEARS, I thought we had to have the “perfect” family”  all the girls would wear dresses that matched, and the boys would always be clean and we’d all always be kind and polite and the boys wouldn’t make farting noises at the dinner table, or wrestle or argue. And they’d never say an ugly word, and we’d only listen to “good” Christian music, etc.  Through the years of my son’s attachment issues  and through my ugly years, I learned that THAT is NOT the “perfect” family.

In fact, there is no such thing as the perfect family–the perfect family is one that is moving the right direction, toward the Cross of Christ, one that is REAL to themselves and others, one that LOVES and FORGIVES.

**I’m going to take one quick moment here and expound on why I think this happened.  Through all the ugly, I always repented (with many tears and without excuse) and asked forgiveness.  Sometimes this happened multiple times in an HOUR. But I did, and they forgave.  Do we all still struggle with trying to take it back?  YES! But we have all learned so much about God and each other in this struggle.  I’m not sure I’m to the point of thanking God for it yet, but I’m to the point of not being bitter about it any longer…and that’s saying a lot.

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One thought on “Amazed!

  1. I love your story – I can relate to some of it as I have suffered depression, 3 breakdowns and now am growing up to shake off anxiety and panic. I used to yell too and battled to stop. Like you, I have let down my perfect standards and like you, I always expressed sorrow and wanting to change. It is wonderful how God holds us and our families together. I too have a wonderful family who have forgiven me and love me and who follow Jesus. It is wonderful to connect with you, and it is refreshing to read your honesty – no masks needed!! Thanks!! ….. I just have to pause and think – If it were not for God where would we be!!

    Like

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