Hi Everyone! I have been writing about my journey to wellness each Tuesday. I have been describing the course God led me on; but I haven’t taken much time to describe what I was like, my moods, actions, etc. Or what home life was like.
I have shared some of it in other blog posts; but I want to take a few minutes and share these things here. Altogether, in one place.
This will not be easy to share. It shows my sinfulness. It shows my ugliness. It shows nasty.
It shows a miserable existence during those years.
BUT, it also shows God’s AMAZING GRACE and MERCY.
And that is why I’m choosing to share it.
I hope it will help someone on their journey. Or at the very least allow you a glimpse of the amazing God we serve. Or if you don’t serve him, I pray that God will use this to draw you to Him.
I am writing this to clarify it in my mind; but also praying that it will encourage someone (or many someones). There is help. There is hope. There is healing!
I’m taking a deep breath
this is NOT easy
Here I go…
Home life stunk during those few years! And that is putting it mildly.
I would get up each day with a new resolve to have a “better day today” but usually before everyone was even out of bed (which means before 8am in our house) I had lost my cool and was already ranting at someone over something SILLY!
Thinks like:
A shoe left in the middle of the floor.
Something not being put away EXACTLY where and how I wanted.
ONE ugly word from someone else in the family to another. (Yes, I would rant for an hour over one or two words from someone else-sad isn’t it?)
Sometimes I would get so angry that I broke things
or threw things (never at any ONE mind you, just threw)
or I threw things away,
or cleared the junk off the table in one swoop.
I had to get the ANGER out!
I put my family through HELL on earth.
I don’t say that lightly. I mean it with all of my heart. Our home was not a pleasant place to be. In fact it was not a nice place to be at all. It was a miserable place to be. For all of us.
I mentioned in one of my other posts about being so angry that I would rip through a few pages in my journal as I attempted feeble prayers about our predicament.
I would call Shane so full of rage, that he would begin making preparations to leave work to come home.
I would be screaming at him through the phone. He could not even remotely understand what I was saying. There was hardly ever a pleasant phone conversation between us during that time.
Hormones out of balance are UGLY!
Honestly y’all there were about 3 or maybe 4 days out of the month that I’d be nice… other than that…witch-y woman was my norm.
And no one knew when it would happen.
Every time Shane’s phone would ring he would gear up for what he knew was on the other end.
The children walked on eggshells most of the time.
During that time Malachi also came home with his own set of problems. And then Tabitha came home… I am SO very thankful for both of them in our lives!
I was so tired, I could hardly function. I would get dinner on the table and then sit down and by 8 pm I was dozing on the couch. EVERY night!
Most of our vacations during that time were miserable. I would “find” something to get angry about.
I also had times of depression. Those usually came after a huge blowup. I would beat myself up and get so overwhelmed with discouragement. I didn’t feel that there was ANY hope!
Was I suicidal? No, not really…although there were times when it entered my mind momentarily. But I knew I couldn’t do that to my family!
I addition, I would go to the thrift store and they would ask if I was eligible for the SENIOR discount!!!!! Yes! It was that bad…I was only in my early to mid-forties! And they thought I was at least 55! I was pale and pasty…but I didn’t realize it then.
I look back and wonder HOW WE SURVIVED those years
And I know it was ONLY by God’s AMAZING grace.
Today; my cycles are almost normal.
I get hormone grumpy when I’m “supposed” too. During those years, I my “good” days would be 2 or 3 days right before my cycle started. Then I’d be grumpy again. Anyone that knows anything about the way it’s “supposed” to be knows that my cycles were totally messed up and backwards and crazy!
What is home life like now?
I don’t rant for hours at shoes left in the floor (or for anything else).
I don’t break things.
I don’t clear the table in one swoop.
I don’t expect my children to be perfect.
Do I still get mad? Of course! What parent doesn’t? What person doesn’t? Especially with 6 people living in a house. If you say you don’t then you’re either the parent of one child, or maybe two, or you’re a liar. Yep, keepin it real folks.
Getting off the troche’s was the trigger that started the improvement. The 5-HTP helped my foggy thinking. The 1000 i.u.’s of vitamin d3 didn’t even TOUCH my deficiencies. But it was a start…
When I found Dr. Martin, I took a couple of significant jumps forward and some steps back. The Simplex F and iodine helped (but I later found that I wasn’t taking enough of either of these either).
When I started seeing the “Pastor’s son” I took another big jump.
I will talk about the next jump next week.
Am I 100%?
My husband says I’m not quite there. He likened it to Malachi’s surgery in February. His bone graft. His hip felt FINE. He felt GOOD! He decided to go play outside one day not long after his surgery; and he jumped off of Shane’s old pickup truck. No, not the hood, but the TOP of the truck! He wasn’t ready for that! But he felt like he was…
That’s where I am.
I feel GOOD! In fact, I feel GREAT! I feel FANTASTIC! But… I still have those moments…
they are fewer and not even close to the intensity level that they once were.
I don’t rant like I once did.
I can let go of the anger.
BUT I’m not quite 100%…
I do know I’m 100% improved from where I was.
I know home isn’t a miserable place any more.
I know I’m not witch-y momma any longer
I have EYEBROWS!
I have ENERGY!
I’m not falling asleep on the couch right after supper.
Everyone is NOT walking around the house wondering when Momma’s going to lose it.
I’m not getting asked by the thrift stores employees if I’m eligible for the senior discount…and I’m a few years older now than I was then 🙂
Home life is GOOD!
And God is even better!
* I am not a medical doctor or healthcare provider. I do not offer medical advice, this is my record of my journey. If you want some recommendations to healthcare providers, please contact me. David Rostollan is a great place to start if you’re in KC you can see him in person. If not, he does email and phone consultations. He is very knowledgeable and thorough. I cannot recommend him highly enough. Need a thermogram? Here’s the place I recommend. Linda is fantastic, thorough and also gives additional information on techniques to help you. BRAS is expanding, so there may be one near you 🙂 Want to do some research first? Dr. Mercola has some good information, although I don’t agree with everything.
Just a thought... 