What a Mess FMF

I’ve been missing in action because we’ve been overwhelmed with busy-ness.  2 new vehicles in the last month, one to replace the van that Hannah took 4 wheelin,  a FABULOUS old violin for Isaac, track practice and meets, a  flying turkey nearly landing in my lap while riding in our new to us van, classes for oldest at the Bible college and graduation prep for her, etc.  I hope to get back to blogging on a regular basis very soon.

Today, I’m linking up with Lisa Jo this week for Five Minute Friday.  I have no timer today, one of the children or the husband must have run off with both of them…so I’ll guess at 5 minutes and hope I’m close.  The main thing is I’m here today and writing 🙂

Today’s word is Mess.  GO!

I’m a mess.  I have never handled lack of sleep well.  And I’ve been running on lack of sleep for the bulk of the last several years.

I am healthier than I’ve been in several years but…

I haven’t been sleeping well, because. well.  I’m almost 49 years old and I’m having night sweats.  I’m finally  truly menopausal now instead of  having fake menopause for years because I listened to a quack doctor so many years ago.

And well.  Everything looks worse when there’s a tired woman in the house.  I’ve never handled tired well.

So I regret.

I regret  the fact that I don’t really have much of a relationship with my mother.  Or my brothers.  Although my oldest bro and I have been spending more time chatting on Facebook over the last couple of years.

And for that, I am extremely thankful.

I regret  that I have been blessed (NOT) to go though 10 years of menopause symptoms (hot flashes, night sweats, crazy mood swings, etc) because I listened to a crazy whacked out doctor way back when and it took a long time to realize that I was getting sicker than better.

I am frustrated at having to take a mini-meal of supplements and this has gone on for several years.

I married my love when I was a new Christian (3 years old) and he was a very young man (20 years old).  I was older and though I knew so much more, but I wish I would have kept my big mouth shut and learned instead of thinking I was so much wiser than him.  For he is SO much wiser than I will EVER be.

I grew up in a broken home.  I know I am who I am because of that, and although I realize that, I missed out on knowing how to handle conflict.  How to not want to run and hide, and how to give grace and forgiveness.  I also brought a lot of baggage to my marriage.

20 years ago, I had hopes of a family. I married a man who had parents that had only been married to each other, he had 2 grandpa’s and 2 grandma’s  (I grew up without knowing either of my grandpa’s.  One died when my Dad was young and one left long before I was born, neither grandma remarried).

I have had a VERY patient, loving husband and we have overcome much of that baggage.

But unfortunately, we have little to no relationship with my in-laws.  It has been eaten away bit by bit over the years.  And there’s nothing we can do to fix it.  Believe me, we have tried.  Multiple times.  Multiple ways.

Every time we try, it seems to make it worse.

So we have given up on fixing it, take what we get and given the rest to God, and we go on with our lives and know that they are missing out.

Some days I handle this better than others.

Today is a day that I’m not handling it very well.

I want a relationship.  I am female.  I thrive on relationship.  And it’s not there.

So today, I chose to thrive on the relationships with the family that God has given me.

A wonderful, intelligent, wise, loving husband of nearly 20 years that has tolerated all of the ugly days.

A beautiful (inside and out)  almost 18-year-old sweetheart of a daughter.

A crazy, over the top curly-headed 14-year-old son that can make us all laugh without even trying.

A thoughtful, very male 13-year-old son that has an amazing imagination and has overcome so much.

and a VERY crazy, rambunctious, loving 8-year-old daughter.

The relationship I have with my Daddy, and extended family that does love me and accept me for who I am, of which there are many.

The relationship with my Daddy’s wife that I pray will grow over the years that they’re together.

I treasure the memories we have made together, the fun we have had, the fun we will have and the memories that will be made in the future.  (Like the flying turkey) And I will praise God for what He brings to our lives.

Wow!  That’s a bunch of random scattered thoughts, but what else is new with me?????

STOP!